Music's Domain

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 02:40:54 GMT

It would appear that Michael has left. He didn't say goodbye or why he was leaving. All I know is that haven't heard from him in a week.

Sterling Memories (as reported to "The Doctor" (as I called Michael for a long time))

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 17:13:27 GMT

Me (1:30:04 AM): Purposeful reframing/change of topic - I think that everyone has what I term "sterling moments", moments that everything just comes together right.
Michael (1:30:20 AM): synchronicity
Michael (1:31:50 AM): Tell me yours
Michael (1:31:58 AM): if they are positive
Me (1:32:11 AM): Sterling moments are always positive.
Me (1:32:27 AM): *thinks*
Me (1:33:37 AM): Ooooh - when I got up in front of my whole [high school, when I was a Junior] and gave a speech, from memory, and I didn't screw up. I was *chosen* - one of five - to do this.
Michael (1:33:57 AM): That's more like it! **Hugs**
Me (1:35:16 AM): When.... When I felt really pretty the night of the [Society for Creative Anachronism's] Mindwinter's Masquerade up in Ashland [Oregon], in that gorgeous dress, after almost getting frostbite (not used to snow).... [I was a martial for a battle between the King and another warrior.... kinda cool - I noticed that the King's armor (at his knee) was fraying, and stopped the fight..... The King seemed impressed/grateful. But I was standing around in wet snow in my suede boots, and my toes ended up turning blue. I really had no idea what this even *meant* - I remember asking, "Is it bad if you can't feel your feet?" I was emphatically told "YES!" and shooed inside to change.]
Michael (1:35:33 AM): Yay!
Michael (1:35:41 AM): **Double hugs**
Me (1:36:10 AM): And Tim[othy McDaniels, the then-master-at-arms of Glyn Dwfyn, in the kingdom of AnTir] (a guy I had a major crush on) came up to me and said he'd been an idiot for turning me down when I flirted with him, because I was the most beauteous lady there.... And he wasn't the only one who made a comment, but he *was* the only one who went down on one knee. [Gods, that was a beautiful dress.... pink and blue brocade, with a slight train, slit sleeves, etc...]
Michael (1:36:57 AM): *Triple hugs**
Me (1:37:04 AM): When Jerry asked me to be his TA, the youngest in the history of Evergreen Valley College.
Me (1:37:22 AM): The night of the ABC concert in 1999 [October 19 - wow - coming up on ten years ago]!
Me (1:37:32 AM): When Ben got me to hug the tour bus!
Me (1:37:42 AM): (I've got that picture somewhere....)
Me (1:40:18 AM): *laughs and quotes Ben and herself* "Hug the bus!" 'I am *NOT* going to hug the fkin' tour bus' "C'mon, hug the bus..." 'NO!' "HUG THE BUS!!!" *So I gave in and hugged the bus*
Me (1:40:26 AM): The moment I realized I was in love with you.
Michael (1:40:45 AM): Wow! You are on a roll
Me (1:41:31 AM): Earlier moments.... the day Daddy adopted me, and then we [played hooky and] went and saw Superman in the theatre.
Me (1:41:45 AM): My parents' wedding.
Me (1:42:12 AM): Time spent in Spain, Portugal, and Gibraltar.
Michael (1:43:19 AM): That's the kind of stuff I want to hear
Me (1:43:21 AM): My second first kiss was kinda nifty, too. The rest of the day sucked, but that kiss was nice.
Me (1:45:55 AM): The moment I realized I was in love with you. <3 (Yes, I know I already said it, but... It's still true)

*is totally cracking up about the "HUG THE BUS!" thing* :)

And Now For Something Completely Different.....

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 09:20:34 GMT

I've been talking a lot lately about some really sucky things, so.... time for some good news, I think. :)

I'm head-over-heels-in-mad-passionate-lust-and-love. His name's Michael, we've been 'seeing' each other for six weeks (he'd argue four, as he was gone for two of them, but... I count those)... he lives nearby (south, I suspect in the South Bay), and I further suspect that we'll meet soon (I'm thinking maybe next weekend)....

He's 6'6", weighs 220, is *adorable* (just finally saw a picture of him today, and, phew! What a cutie! *So* good-looking, as well as wonderful in less physical ways) - black Irish coloration (black hair, deep blue eyes, pale skin), half-Irish, half-Welsh.... *bites her lower lip, the way she does when thinking* Gods.... Oh! and he's unattached! Yay!

He's *smart*, has an eidetic memory (lucky guy), is funny, is kind and tender and sweet.... Likes to joke that he sounds 'slow' because of the depth and timbre of his voice (well, when you're 6'6", you have a *lot* of room to reverberate, vocally).

The biggest problem I've seen (so far) is that it's impossible for me to talk about my suicidal feelings when I get them, because he has the same abandonment issues I do. So when I'm feeling really bad, it's hard for me to confess this, because he gets worried that I'm going to leave, and that makes me just want to hold him and let him know that I'm not going anywhere, not really, I just need to talk (sometimes) about the crap that's swilling around in my head.

[Oh, and I've lost a lot of weight, totally unrelated to the whole Michael thing. I'm actually below 200 for the first time in coming up on 16-17 years! Amazing. Cool. Pretty fkin' awesome, actually. One of the few things that abject poverty is good for, I guess, is that it lets you lose weight, if you don't succumb to the meat-and-corn-syrup diets that so many (po') people subsist on. {In re: the "po'" comment - I've been joking that I'm "so po' I can't even afford the last two letters of the word!" :)}]

Anyway.... :) I'm happy about him. About the way I feel about him. About the possibilities, the actualities; all the variables, known and unknown.

P.S. - he's totally open to me babbling on about nothing, too, which is extremely nice of him. :) And, since he's got an eidetic memory, he actually *remembers* the crap I babble about, instead of disregarding it, which is really kind of lovely. :)

Damnit!

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 22:44:03 GMT

Another door slammed in my face.

This time by my ex-boyfriend (or, more specifically his roommate), who has suddenly decided that, despite his earlier invitation, I'm no longer welcome to stay with him.

It goes like this - his (female) roommate (they're not involved) doesn't like me much, having heard only *his* half of the break-up saga. I'm certain she never heard about the fact that I waited three years for him to decide that he wasn't going to move to California (our only reason for gettng involved LDR in the first place - he wanted to move out here), and *then* didn't even tell me that he'd made up his mind, just left the dragging out of time tell me. I'm sure she didn't hear that I even gave him an extra year and a half to come out and tell me.... and I'm *ultra* sure that she never heard about the way he lost his virginity [Me, trying desperately to recapture *some* feeling of intimacy between us, offering to make love to him; him: "Well, I don't know when I'll have another chance to lose my virginity...." Dennis, you silver-tongued devil, you... :P]

No, I'm sure she just heard that I became very bitter at the end about having 'wasted' three years of my life waiting around for this man who was never going to do what he said he wanted to in the first place. And I admit, I *did* become bitter, did say some things I rather wish I hadn't. Impotent rage will make you do stupid things.

Oh... and I'm *positive* that she never heard about how he'd kept this lovely log where he introduced me to his 'friend'... OK, in theory, to whom he whispered how stupid I was for believing him? About how naive I must be? What an idiot I must surely be, to be taking this at face value.... [All I'd wanted to do was to go to bed - I'd gotten an injection of demerol, and needed to sleep it off....] Once I actually was gone, the slagging off of my character ensued, and discussion of reproduction (my deepest fear - that the man I cared for would leave me, because I didn't want kids) started. Upon reading all this, I became so angry that a blood vessel in my sinuses popped. VERY sexy..... If it hadn't been 3 AM, and had had money to go to the airport, I'd've been on a return flight before he got home from work.

Anyway, the fact that Dennis and I have made up and are now friends, or, at least, friendly, should tell you that *we're* mature (or whatever) enough to put it behind us. Apparently, his roommate, whoever she is, is not so.

So, once again, PLEASE, your honor, get back to me with good news, because I cannot possibly survive on the street... I'll die, and that's no way to get on with your life.

Sometimes, Even In the Depths of Despair and Depression....

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 21:11:58 GMT

.... You can find (sometimes little, sometimes *very* little) things to make you laugh. Take this little tidbit as a sterling example, gleaned as it was from a conversation with my (most recent) ex (boyfriend) [Patrick, for those whose short-term memories are as bad as mine....], this morning:

Patrick (10:39:26 AM): you have a boyfriend
Me, AIM-Style (10:39:49 AM): I *maybe*, possibly, PERHAPS have a boyfriend.
Patrick (10:40:13 AM): your cute
Me, AIM-Style (10:40:13 AM): I have feelings that are definitely skewing to that direction, but....
Me, AIM-Style (10:40:30 AM): Who knows what he feels?
Me, AIM-Style (10:41:06 AM): Hell, I'm not sure where he is just now, though that is likely to be my own damned fault, even if it's an accident.
Patrick (10:41:42 AM): you and your secretive men
Me, AIM-Style (10:43:58 AM): *grumbles under her breath* At least I get where he's coming from.
Me, AIM-Style (10:44:28 AM): I never quite understood the... pardon my inexact use of the term.... paranoia you exhibited.
Patrick (10:44:40 AM): how are his whereabouts your fault
Me, AIM-Style (10:44:58 AM): His whereabouts aren't. The fact that I can't remember them is.
Patrick (10:45:40 AM): thats adorable
Me, AIM-Style(10:45:54 AM): Adorable? How so, adorable?
Patrick (10:47:02 AM): your memory
Me, AIM-Style (10:47:18 AM): My memory bites rabid bats, then bites me in return.
Me, AIM-Style (10:47:39 AM): .... probably stopping to vector off three or four dozen times in between.
Patrick (10:48:41 AM): O:)
Me, AIM-Style (10:48:55 AM): Glad you enjoyed that.
Me, AIM-Style (10:49:05 AM): I was rather proud of it myself.

Have I Mentioned

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 06:33:58 GMT

That I *really* wanna go to LA in late October?

Vatos (Johnny Hernandez, of Oingo Boingo fame) and many of the other former bandmates get together and do a "Tribute to Halloween", including a bunch of Boingo Songs, Halloween-themed songs, and some Danny Elfman score-type material.

*sighs*

This may be the last year they do it, so this is sort of like 1999's ABC concert for me.

Paul? You in? Let's do it! I regret not going with you in '95 to see Farewell, and I know Danny won't be there (Bear McCreary's son, Bt4 does the lyrics), but..... We can talk about my tattoo before I get it, that way. :) And you can even play KGWAR (All GWAR, all the time!) in the car. :) [Paul, my once-upon-a-time next door neighbor, used to threaten me with KGWAR if I got too loud :) I'm not even to mention the "There is no Stef, only ZUUL!!!" comment he left on my computer while I was in the shower, much to the chagrin (and probably confusion) of my then-long-distance boyfriend, Dennis]

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 09:05:46 GMT

Wow, there's a lot of stuff going on in my life.

a. I finally got to do the orientation appointment for the pain clinic on Monday. Next Thursday (or is it Friday?) and the following Tuesday, I have appointments with the pain clinic staff, to figure out how best to manage my pain.
b. The guy who sexually assaulted me about six months ago (or however long ago it was, now), Luis, called last week and begged to be allowed to come visit me this week, and I finally said, "Fine, whatever", with the intent that when he shows up, I'm going to call the cops and have them match his DNA to the sample he left on my green shirt. :P
c. I spent a couple nights at the hospital because of b., particularly because I was sexually assaulted again (by someone else) about three weeks ago or so. :P [I didn't report it to the cops this time, partially because I went through a bit of a dissociative period - not a fugue state, but, still - for a couple weeks afterward. {Morgan's comment when I told him (after he noticed that I was acting kinda weird) "Welcome back to Earth. The time is 10:17.... :)"}] I felt like throwing myself into traffic - bad, bad idea. So staying at the hospital was actually a viable option - more viable than what I wanted to do, anyway.
d. I'm anemic at the best of times, but I shudder to think what my iron levels are like now - I've been menstruating for two weeks straight.
e. Friday, I have an appointment with my new psychologist. Next Wednesday, I have appointments with my case manager and my psychiatrist.
f. Monday, I finally have my SSI hearing. Patrick says that, especially with my recent admissions to the hospital (both psychiatric and otherwise), it's likely I'll win. I've held this to my heart for the last month, and decided not to worry about it, because I've already done all I can to get ready for the hearing. But now that it's nearly here, I find that I'm having problems just accepting that. This Friday (after my appointment with my new therapist), I have a phone appointment with my lawyer to go over my testimony. I'm not quite sure why - it's all the bloody truth, so... *shrugs* [And thanks be to gods for my Congresswoman, Jackie Spiers, whose office fast-tracked my hearing to *now*, as opposed to three or four months from now....]
g. ...Is for gecko, one of which I now own - a female leopard gecko (they can't scale vertical surfaces) named Olivia Benson, after the character on Law and Order: Special Victims' Unit. I fed her mealworms at first, but have discovered that she really prefers crickets, no matter how annoying I find them - she's just so cute when she's hunting them - she twitches/waves her tail about just as she's about to pounce, which you would think would scare the crickets enough that they'd run away, but she gets away with it. *shrugs* I'm socializing her and working with her so that she'll hang out on my shoulder.
h. Recently, I went to karaoke for the first time ever, performed two songs on my own (When Smokey Sings, by ABC (you *knew* my first karaoke song had to be by them... ;)) and Stupid Girl by Garbage), and one with someone else (a guy I met there named Kip - he wanted to do a Depeche Mode's song, so I suggested Strangelove, and then I said, "Unless you wanna do Master and Servant." He declined. :)) The DJ (or KJ, as karaoke DJs are often called) was pretty awesome - he not only dealt with the computerized music, he also played the saxophone and the harmonica when there was an instrumental bridge, and sang a lot of the backup singers' parts. He reminded me physically a lot of Danny, my friend who died in 1999 or 2000 - like, to the point that it was actually a little scary, very sad, but strangely comforting, too. Anyway, I requested that he program in some Boingo songs, and he said he'd rip and prepare Dead Man's Party (the album, not just the song) for me. :) So now I've got to go back so that I can do Same Man I Was Before, mostly for the line "They all start yelling at me, 'Everything you do is wrong!' Oh-woah-woah-woah" :)

I'm OK....

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 21:23:11 GMT

Yesterday, I was going to my therapist's, sitting at a bus stop outside Hillsdale Mall, and there was a bus sitting there, idling. I would've asked the driver if the bus was going to be the bus I needed, but he was in the back, apparently asleep. So I sat down at the stop, and waited.

Well, five minutes later, the bus starts up, and without checking to see if anyone at the stop needed him, he took off. (The bus was in such a position that I couldn't see either of the electric signs that explain which bus it is.) So I took off after the bus. Stupid, I know, but the bus was at a stop light, so I thought I *might* be able to get to the next stop before he did.

Ha! I tripped on a raised paving stone, fell, rolled into the street, and was hit (lightly) - really more like tapped - by a "big, white whale of a car". That's the best description anyone could give. Anyway, I got up, staggered to the sidewalk, whereupon two sweet ladies pulled over, checked me over, then took me to my therapist, who insisted I go to the hospital to be checked out. They kept me overnight, and I'm fine, but I have a bit of road rash, and my back bloody well hurts.

Well, Hell

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 17:25:02 GMT

I inadvertantly dropped my phone in hot water (literally) and, thus, erased all my numbers. So if you know me, know I know your phone number, please call me back and give it to me again, because I suck. ;)

So!

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 18:09:15 GMT

I just discovered that David Tennant and John Barrowman are going to be at ComicCon this year, and I wanna go! I mean, what a trip! I could meet Tycho and Gabe from Penny Arcade, the guys from Jump Leads (sort of Red Dwarf, only in comic strip form) *and* The Doctor and Captain Jack, all at the same place!

Who wants to take me? ;)

Seriously, though, Morgan's mom tends to go to ComicCon, so maybe I can get David Tennant's autograph, anyway.

And, AND.... July 11th is coming up kinda quickly. :) I'm looking *so* forward to it. ABC again, this time with Berlin, Cutting Crew, &c. as opening acts.

Damnit!

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 23:10:47 GMT

I fucked up this morning.

See, the guy who sexually assaulted me a few months ago (and who was stalking me for a bit) called this morning and asked to come over and see me. I said, "No." He said, "How about in a few days, then?" And I hung up on him.

What I *should* have done was let him come over so I could have at least gotten a picture of him to show the cops, or even let him in after calling 911 so they could have caught the bastard.

Instead, all I got to do was add to the report they have on the guy by telling them about the call.

Anyway, I've been jumpy and a little hyperalert all day, which, believe me, without the proper medication has been *really* unpleasant. And it made me space my appointment with the psychologist today. But I guess my grandmother is right - "When going through hell, just keep going."

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 06:53:13 GMT

I just had a rather surreal conversation with my grandmother. Especially considering how she raked me over the coals at my 'birthday party'.....

She sent me an email today saying, "I am sending this to you, and be sure to read to the end where they talk about Migraines, and what has helped some people.
How are you doing? I haven't heard from you lately. I know you are having to endure, but you know what they say, "When you're going through hell, just keep going." I love you. Grandmother"

*puts on "Only Makes Me Laugh" by Oingo Boingo* I love this song, and when I'm feeling particularly bad about my situation, it sort of cheers me up. Anyway...

She told me that a) she thought that it was wonderful that I still had my sense of humor ("Aside from the chronic migraine, the back pain, the leg pain and partial hemiparesis, my depression, [at which point, I started to laugh] the PTSD, the OCD, and the generalized anxiety disorder, I'm doing great!") b) she told me that she thought I was really strong, maybe even stronger than I am aware, and c) she said that she was "proud of me" for how well I was doing. Doing well? Well, I'm still here, so I guess.... but I really feel that all I'm doing right now is waiting, trying to survive until I can see the doctor - I see the psychiatrist on the 26th, and the primary care physician on the 30th. And that's before I can get into the pain clinic and start remedicating myself - hopefully the PCP will prescribe *something* for my pain until I can get into the clinic.

*smiles as "Happy" spins up on iTunes* This song cheers me up, too. "I read the paper, I saw the news - all those people are excited, why don't they just relax? All they gotta do is kick back, kick back and be happy - happy, happy that the whole world is ready to blow. I'm happy that I made it through another day, that when I pick up the phone, I still remember what to say, I'm happy that my brain still lives inside my head, but most of all, I think I'm happy that I ain't dead...."

Anyway, I'm just kinda shocked that my grandmother said so many positive things about me. It's a rare thing, y'know?

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 03:07:20 GMT

I know I really shouldn't be doing this, but...

I just looked at the LJ of an ex- ex- ex-. (Wow, I'm three exes deep from 2001)! Those of you who've known me longest will know who I'm talking about if I explain that he had a "homework question" on his journal that reminded me SO DAMNED MUCH of Zork, it's not even funny. Of course, he doesn't know I'm here, mostly lurking, but, still..... But it makes me ache for the conversations we used to have - philosophical, mathematical, whatever. What was funny was that a(n old) acquaintance of ours figured it out before.... what was it he said? Before "beating out most of my class in solving this".

Thank You!

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 08:36:10 GMT

Morgan, thanks for the sushi birthday dinner (complete with cocktail and souffle for dessert), and for the iPod. I can't wait for it to show up! 8G of silver loveliness......

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 00:15:51 GMT

I. Have. Fucking. Had. It.

Here I sit, less than 24 hours away from my 37th birthday, and my mother has cut me off. Oh, I'm not homeless (yet), and I still have internet/phone/TV (thank gods, or I'd *really* lose it), but I've been eating ramen for a month and a half (once a day) and my mother thinks that the best use of the very little money I have left (call it $10) is to go down to San Jose (bus, train, light rail) so that I can miss my phone call with Patrick and spend the evening with my mother, grandmother, sister, brother-in-law, and their two children.

I am currently only able to take the barest minimum of medication for my psychological disorders (not to mention my chronic pain issues) because guess what? My mother now says (after promising to take care of me after she lost my second health insurance plan) that she cannot afford to help me out anymore, and so the county is going to have to take care of me.

If things don't work out in a big, big way within the next couple days, I am going to have to move to Canada. And I'm not joking.

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 05:04:13 GMT

I wish to gods that House was real. I could use a good diagnostician. "Gee, Dr. House, why the fuck am I bleeding in my lower GI tract?" "Gee, Dr. House, can you give me a reason why I'm feeling utterly shitty?" *sighs* Sadly, he's not real. If he were.... Well, that's another story entirely.

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 02:10:04 GMT

I may or may not have posted recently about my friend Leath and his wife, Kathy. I may also have mentioned something about my friend Heinz, who isn't very far (at least in my mind) from Leath - after all, they were my brothers-in-arms at the biology department at Evergreen.

Sadly, Kathy (Leath's wife), at the terribly young age of 40+ had a heart attack. I don't know anything more than that, but am hoping that she makes a swift recovery.

Happy New Year!

Thu, 01 Jan 2009 17:44:49 GMT

I'm going to my Mom's house today for dinner, or at least I'm supposed to. Which will require me to go play in traffic (read: leave home ;)). Last night, I stayed home and watched movies on Comcast. I'd've gone to Mom's last night, but she has this new thing where she wants to spend New Year's Eve on her own because of the fact that Daddy tried to die on New Year's Eve, and she was all alone with him - he had a major seizure, slipped into an almost comatose state, and almost slipped away, but then he woke up. Anyway....

Hope all is well with all of you out there in cyberland. Oh, and Phil? Missing you. :) I'd really hoped to get together this past week.

Advice needed!

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 01:06:55 GMT

I need to figure out what to do regarding my stuff that was left up in Seattle and never returned to me.

BACK STORY: Last September, I moved up to Seattle for all of about a week before my then-sponsor/then-very-close-friend decided that she couldn't live with me and kicked me out with no warning. I am very lucky in that my best friend and her husband (and their son) had *just* moved up into that general vicinity, and were willing and able to help me keep body and soul together until I could get back home to the Bay Area, CA. The day before I was to hop on a train to bring me and my stuff (including several sweet dwarf hamsters that I smuggled on-board :)), I was supposed to pick up the remaining items (including a computer, a leather jacket, and a bunch of other stuff), but Fate intervened, and I ended up falling and getting a badly strained set of back muscles - I had to go to the hospital - which delayed my arrival at Pam's by about 45 minutes. She said that she couldn't wait that long, and left. I was able to retrieve the stuff that she'd left on the front porch for me, but the important (and expensive) stuff was still inside. I called the cops, who claimed that they couldn't do anything, that Pam had done nothing technically illegal - which doesn't make any sense to me. Refusing to return my stuff is tantamount to stealing it, is it not? Especially since I (well, OK, my mom) has offered to pay to ship the stuff.

Part of what makes this so frustrating is that Pam refuses to speak to me - she'll talk to my mom, but not to me, so I have to go by what my mother reports. And, given that my mother is pretty flaky... The last report I have received is that my mother called Pam to try to arrange a pick-up by UPS or some other we'll-pick-up-and-send-your-shit-for-you places, and Pam responded something to the effect of, "That's not one of my priorities right now, and Stef will have to wait for her stuff." I have no idea how long ago this was, but it's been OVER A YEAR since my stuff was left and not returned to me.

My part in all this: I know that I've made this sound as if this were all Pam's fault. And that's not entirely accurate. I have owned my portion of the blame. Part of the problem was that my doctor had recently changed the doses of some of my medications, which caused some difficulties for me, and I didn't change myself back to the original dose when I should have. Another part is that when Pam asked me to change one or two small things, I questioned why she wished them to be changed, rather than simply changing them. Additionally, I was feeling very abandoned (and I have abandonment issues, anyway), and Pam's attempts to get me to deal with these feelings made me feel as though she were rubbing my nose in the fact that (as I felt at the time) "nobody wanted me around". I certainly could have dealt with all of this better, and the gods know I wish I had. But, as I have come to learn more recently, I was very sick at that time, and clarity is not something I had a lot of at that time, which I suppose is what Pam meant by her claim that I was backsliding. It wasn't so much that I was backsliding in my program - my psychological problems were getting worse, and I didn't know how to fix that. Also, Pam relapsed (and took my medication), and I didn't know how to deal with that. At ALL.

Back to the present: The short of it is that she still has my stuff, and a friend of mine, Heinz, is going to be going up to Seattle this week to spend some time with his dad, who is dying. He is willing to meet up with Pam and pick up my stuff.

Here's my dilemma - do I:

a) Email Pam myself, telling her what's going on, etc.
b) Have my mother call (or email) Pam to tell her what's going on, etc.
c) Have Heinz call/email Pam (since he's the one who's going to be actually seeing her, maybe) and tell her what's going on, etc.

One of the things I'm concerned about is that she may have sold my stuff or thrown it out or something.

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 05:06:31 GMT

My favorite dichroic bead artist is not going to be making beads anymore. She's shutting that portion of the store on December 31. I'm very sad about this - those beads are *gorgeous* and a lot of fun to design with. One of the reasons I'm as upset as I am is that I was planning on using some of those beads for the 'chip' necklace/bracelets I want to make for SIA members.

If you're curious, and/or want to take advantage of the amazing sale that she's having right now, check out www.creekmore-glass.com, or go to the special sale page at:
www.creekmore-glass.com/sararuna/beadspecials.cfm

(Cross-posted from SIA)

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 10:59:28 GMT

Today is my 4th birthday! In four minutes' time, it's been four years exactly since I last cut! *happy dances* I never thought that I would be able to stay clean for four weeks, much less four years. I'm so proud of me - something that is historically hard for me to even momentarily admit.

I'm proud not only because I'm clean, but because I started this support group, in order to help others who were suffering from the same disorder/addiction I have: I have come to care for all of you, and I sort of consider you all to be (at least in whatever small way we find that works for us) my unofficial sponsees. I hope you all know that you can come to me with whatever concerns happen to be bothering you - I like to think that I am trustworthy. In here, talking about these matters, you are completely safe. I promise.

I'd like to start a birthday program on here. What do you think about the idea of recognizing people's clean time? (it just occurred to me because it happens to be mine...) And, maybe, if you like that idea, we can start thinking about 'chips'.... My last 'chip' was actually the crystal flute Morgan bought me about three months before my third year... Anyway, it's something to think about.

On Sunday...

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 05:04:35 GMT

I will be four years clean! Four years since I last hurt myself. (Caveat - I have attempted suicide in this period, but I haven't hurt myself just for the 'high' I get from self-injuring.)

On This Thanksgiving Day...

Thu, 27 Nov 2008 15:22:47 GMT

Be thankful that you don't already have everything that you desire.
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?
Be thankful when you don't know something,
for it gives you the opportunity to learn.
Be thankful for the difficult times.
During these times you grow.
Be thankful for your limitations,
because they give you opportunities for improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge,
because it will build your strength and character.
Be thankful for your mistakes.
They teach you valuable lessons.
Be thankful when you are tired and weary,
because it means you've made a difference.
It's easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who
are also thankful for setbacks.
Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles,
and they can become your blessings.

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 17:40:09 GMT

I had the weirdest dream last night/this morning - that I was at Beth's mom's house (Gretchen, that is), only it was really Ben's parents' house (dream logic - I've never *been* to Gretchen's house, so I guess it makes sense that in the dream, Ben's parents' house was substituted), and we were baking or making tea or something, and then suddenly Dr. House showed up, and then I woke up. Too bad, really, I like Dr. House. :)

Lots of things have been happening.

a) I have a job now as an internet researcher. Awesome. I'm doing quite well at it, apparently. Yay!

b) My hamsters, sadly, have both passed away. Probably from respiratory tract infections - the little guys *are* really susceptible.

c) I met Jamie Hyneman this weekend, which was totally awesome. :) I was just hanging out in San Francisco, taking the bus, and there was some interruption to the service, and I ended up walking past the building where he just happened to be, and I said, "Hi, Jamie!" and he said, "Hi!" back, just like we were old friends or neighbors or something. I realize that he wouldn't really say anything else, but he *could* have ignored me...

d) Due to a bank error, my health insurance has been canceled. I don't know whether to laugh or cry about it, as this is now the *second* time this has happened, first with Kaiser, now with Blue Cross. Hopefully, I can fix the damned thing, but I don't know if that's even possible right now.

e) Morgan is back in my life. Kinda. Sorta. Maybe. That is to say, we've seen each other a few times. And, yes, it's good for him to be back. Huge relief, in a weird way, knowing that I can call him if I need to.

f) My cousin, Jimmy, passed away - it was the strangest wake I've ever been to - no-one really talked about him. We all just talked about what was going on in our lives. Which was weird. And I saw (my cousin) Pat again, which was nice, as I haven't seen him since my troubles a few years ago.

g) My sister had a birthday party, which was cool, but I got into a weird conversation with an extended in-law sort of person - he asked me if I was goth - I was wearing a mesh gauntlet on my right arm because of the burn I've got there, so I guess that's why he asked.... well, that, and I was wearing a lot of black, I suppose, but I always wear a lot of dark colors.... it was just kind of weird.

h) I really need to get my glasses fixed.

Enough update? :)

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 22:44:58 GMT

While looking for some obscure fact for my job as an internet researcher, I came across a story that made me *so* happy it's not even funny. :) Read on, MacDuff! :)

Joe once had to investigate an unusual method of death in Sheffield, England.
An "S.O.S." had been reported and the victim was actually still alive although in great distress when the medics and police arrived. They immediately checked his ABC - Airway, Breathing and Circulation but it was to no avail; the victim's convulsions grew worse and he died on the floor. "Stranger Things" have happened but now in death and out of pain he looked peaceful with "The Look of Love" on his face.
When Joe arrived it was clear that this was no "Beauty Stab" but a rare toxin had been detected in the bloodstream. ""Vanity Kills"," said Joe sardonically, "but it's not as deadly as this!"
Further investigation revealed the toxin to be animal based - from a Phyllobates species in fact.
What had been used for this rare cause of death?

Black Widow
"Poison Arrow"
Snakebite
Fugu

For those of you who are uncertain as to why this made me so happy, feel free to read more!

A Brief History of Time, ABC-style

ABC³ is, of course, my all-time favorite band. They're from Sheffield, England¹. Their first album yielded several hits in the UK, chief among them The Look of Love⁵ and Poison Arrow⁸. S.O.S.² was released on their second album, Beauty Stab⁶. Vanity Kills⁷ was released on How to Be a Zillionaire, their third album. And, finally, last but not least, Stranger Things⁴ was released on their second-to-most-recent studio album, Skyscraping. :)

Oh, and the answer to the mystery? "Poison Arrow", of course. Or, more appropriately, the poison secreted from a poison dart frog. :)